I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
