just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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