too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
