If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
