I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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