All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Every concussion has its silver lining
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
