and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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