I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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