after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
