Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
being pregnant is like rehab
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I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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