I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
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You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
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Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize