I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
