I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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