Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
