she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
