So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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