but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
