Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
