Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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