so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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