your room smells of hookers.
And success
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
