Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
