ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
