We won't sleep together?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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