So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
