my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
