so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your cock deserves a montage
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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