We won't sleep together?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Barsexuality is the new black.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
