I am in a vortex of obligation.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
