I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
