If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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