Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
