i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
