i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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