We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
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Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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