If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
