Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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