omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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