Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
