That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
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He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
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They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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