Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
