what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
