I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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