Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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