I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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