I wish my penis had an off switch
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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