I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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