I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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