I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
