Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
