you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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