and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
