at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
