Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
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Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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