I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
