What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
