if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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