Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
