who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
