i will never coherently bang her
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
