tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
